A Handbook for Karma Police

Lessons from the Handbook:

The truth will always find you out.

usually only takes about two weeks for all those well-intentioned resolutions to fall away.

no such thing as a blank slate, my friends. happy new year!

You never forget your first day in court.

Mine was equal parts media circus, witch hunt, and Law & Order rerun set in a giant echo chamber that smelt so bad of anger, fear and sweat you could taste it.

The worstbest part is they’re saying this process could take years.

Felt a lot like there should have been a boxing announcer in place of the bailiff:

In this corner! Hailing from the best lawschools you’ve never heard of, impeccably dressed, properly imposing, and topping the scales at SIX bodies ranging from lowly aides to the high powered, all-feared Head Council … THE PROSECUTION!

And in this corner! A rookie on the Force straight from his recent and ongoing incarceration in our local penitentiary, shabbily attired, out of his league, and foolishly opting to represent himself … KARL!

Ding, ding.

Lessons from the Handbook:

Sacrifices are only easy on paper. 

Lessons from the Handbook:

Always be careful what you wish for.

The easiest way to explain karma is this: some years, you get a tax return. Other years, you pay through the nose.

It’s all relative to what you earn - with some other “factors” thrown in there to make you really work for what you want.

We’re just here to keep track of the math. 

Treat everyday like its Rumspringa.

Always choose to find out what happens next.

Humans are obsessed with apocalypse. What’s funny about this is that most think it is a unique condition of their generation, that they’re the first ones to be facing the end of the world.

In fact, there’s never been a generation of humans that didn’t think they were about to become the last. Sweet, self-centered apes! Everything - from your cheap electronics to your precious social networks, from your pop-up mansions to your tragic favelas, from the richest on earth to the poor forgotten souls - will all be gone someday.

So what do you think - is yours the (un)lucky generation that gets to watch it all goes down, or just another of thousands who’ll add more fuel to the fire?

Rotting in this cell is giving me an awful lot of time to think about the charges against me. Given that I’m stuck representing myself, my only hope/consolation is that providing all this time to think proves to be a miscalculation on the part of the Prosecution.

At the heart of the matter is the fact that my Case - one of two humans whose karmic accounting I’m charged with - has voiced plans to write a book about the Karma Police.

The Elders think I have had a hand - intentional or otherwise - in her knowledge of our Order. And they think this knowledge, and the potential that she could share it widely, threatens the fundamental principle that we Karma Police are able to operate so effectively because humans have no knowledge of us, our Order, and the real world at play around them. Even before paperwork, an Officer’s number one job is secrecy.

But I ask you this, Dear Reader: if you knew being shitty to a certain coworker today would directly result in you being thrown under the bus on a conference call several months from now, would you rethink your approach? Likely not - it’s hard for humans to remember conversations they had yesterday, let alone earmark behavior to prevent public shaming at a future date.

That’s where we come in. We keep track, and make sure you get what you’ve earned. What you deserve.

This is where I think the charges against me fall apart. Because how could this knowledge alone prevent the need for my Order and its Officers, your personal, invisible, karmic accountants?


PS The woman who gave you the cut eye this morning on the way to work? No worries - we’re on it.

If they ask - you’ve never seen this symbol before in your life.

• Question: WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY? - tumblrbot
• Answer:

  I’m not human  - Karl